It feels… real.

Another night. Another chunk of the foundation done.

It’s a little crazy to me that I’m about half a month from my planned due date of having this site fully functional and running. It’s actually looking great now that I’m saving time with my AI assistance for the background images. I draw a sketch of what I’d like to have, render it, then tweak it to satisfaction.

My hands are starting to shake with… anxiety? joy? excitement? I’m not sure what it is, but this whole thing is starting to come together. I’ve got some more work making sure the Q&A section has enough answers for customers to get what they need.

I’m contemplating putting a ‘Social’ page up with links to the few social networks I use. I know I’m supposed to be on Instagram, but I absolutely loath the manipulativeness of any Meta/Zuckerburg related platform. I know there’s a little bit of poison with every thing tech related, but his poison kills people. Along with X and Elon Musk, it’s a bridge too far for me to cross.

I’m on Deviant Art, Reddit, and Blue Sky. I’m thinking that might be enough. While in many ways, I’d rather open up comments here, I don’t have the time to be a moderator.

I’m also toying with the idea of posting movie reviews from a philosopher standpoint. Moviemaking was my dream, and I have a love-hate relationship with most of the movie reviews today. They are gut reactions in so many ways. If the movie doesn’t hit the ‘rule of cool’ then it must be terrible. I’d like to bring back a more thoughtful, yet broad minded criticism to movie reviews. The objective being figuring out how to appreciate a movie, rather than simply hate on it. Won’t get a lot of head turns for that.

That’s about it for an update on tonight’s building. If you are out there and reading this, I hope you’ll stick with until July when I light the fuse on this firecracker and let it explode into the night sky.

Short and sweet.

Spent most of my work time getting my About page up. Finally found a way to really talk about me. Not a bunch of buzzword, professional bullshit, but really convey the feeling of me about me. It’s got it all. The way I don’t take myself too seriously. The way I do take seriously the connection my artwork makes. And the self-deprecating, sardonic negativity I have, but don’t really trust. All wrapped up in a confidently unconfident way. In the end, it’s true. It’s not just a billboard.

I didn’t list out my influences because I think that’s a topic better spoken about here. Another day perhaps. Tonight, I rest without regrets.

On Untrustworthy Authorities…

The night before a protest. Threats of military being deployed against the people they swore to protect. I don’t worry about the actual military though. I worry about the people who believe they are the citizen militia. A militia that was armed to defend against threats from outside of the nation. Now those in power are ready to crush those who are not. Is this reality? How far does the clearly fascist administration have to go to uphold the lies they are telling themselves? How far will they go to unconsciously feel validated by their parents? Ultimately, that’s the source of all this. A failure of trustworthy authority - on all sides.

What would I draw to represent this? I’d go with: A white man. Suit. Tie. He’s looking solemnly and submissively above him. Cracks are forming along his body like a vase about to shatter. Orange light is glowing from these cracks. Above the white man is a circle of clouds. This is the heavens he’s seeking an answer from. The circle of clouds is roiling with lightning and thunder. A single strike fires down through the frame. Where will lightning hit? Who knows? The uncertainty. The failure of trust. This storm threatens to destroy everything including the man. Still he searches for his answer and salvation in it. This is what I’d draw.

Maybe that image will find its way on my site. I typically stay away from things with any potential to be used politically, but I don’t know what to expect. I’m a white man that was raised by failed authority. I do my best to be a trustworthy authority now that I’m older. I don’t have power though. I don’t wield actual authority over anyone except myself. Managing myself is the best I can do. Not lying to myself about my whiteness and all the history that comes associated with it. It’s the only way I become more powerful than those who hold offices like dogs on a leash.

My biggest fear is that the people I call friends won’t understand. I’ve lost touch with many people I love and admire. I have no idea if they are fine with this reality. If they are fine trusting this openly untrustworthy authority in all our lives. There is no other pill to take. So swallow the one that makes you ill. (Shout out to Rage Against the Machine.)

I don’t know what the future holds, and I fear that this entire website is a futile effort to put trust into the world. Unlike many creatives who are crafters of how paint spreads, constructors of forms, or hunters of the perfect range of value, I have a vision of connection through narrative image. I do my absolute best to be aware of what I create. I hope my artwork conveys that awareness. I hope as the viewer reads my images, the connections they make elicit wisdom and empathy. I know I sound pretentious in this regard. I don’t know exactly how else to speak about it though.

So one reality prepares to shout down a king tomorrow, while the other reality prepares to shoot down an uprising, I sincerely hope you trust your wisdom and empathy. Possess them. Own them. They are the qualities that are sufficient and necessary to being a trustworthy authority in this world. And being that is what sets you apart from those in power in America right now. While there may be no harmony in a nation who looks to an empty sky for answers, at least those of us willing to call it out are not alone. Tomorrow, I hope you see, you are not alone.

Ironic Mic Drop Kinda Night.

The show must go on. Right? That’s what they say for the those of us in the dramatic arts. It’s how I feel tonight. Putting my personal life aside to get up and perform. Because tonight was a shit night. Yet here I am working.

Here’s what’s happening on stage. I did an overview of what the site was starting to look like and realized the ‘Disclaimers’ page really was going to become a ‘Q&A’ page. I realized a lot of the background work was taking too long. I need to jump in there and just settle the foundation there. Then concentrate on getting some sellable products up to make the July opening.

I also received these awesome renders of some of my art from ChatGPT. I thought they were pretty awesome anyway. I think I’m going to make them like an impulse item, if there really is such a thing in the internet art world. Since they are AI rendered versions on my art, I figured they’d be like the candy bar after shopping for my real art. Bad for you, but so tasty.

Which prompts me to say, I’m starting to really enjoy my AI experience for better or worse. Last year, I finished a sci-fi script about two people learning how to communicate with each other while adventuring through the beginning of time travel. It has a sentient AI character in it. I had never actually used AI when I wrote it, but now I’m surprised how much I kinda gleened about it from all the media on AI. (I’m slowly working the script into graphic novel form. It’s moving like molasses because of these other projects, but it… is… moving…)

I think I’m gonna drop the mic here. Ironically because there’s no heavy truth while I do it. Or is there? Honestly just tired and exhausted from the day.

Bringing up the dead.

Tonight’s construction is putting a page for my old project, The Eternal Dream Tarot Deck. If anyone is finding me out there that doesn’t know me, this is the project I’m probably most well-known for. It landed me a supporting role in the Literatarot Deck for the Museo Dei Tarrochi in Bologna, Italy. A museum for tarot decks that I still have yet to be able to visit. On the previous iterations of my site, I’ve always allowed the images to be downloaded for free so that everyone could use the deck. Now, I’m bringing it back from the grave to linger here.

I have to get the images rendered again, so that’ll be a bit of a task. It’ll be nice to have it be home again. I’m thinking of adding a button to purchase the images. (I don’t think I’m ready to print them again, and the ‘box sleeve’ I originally designed isn’t something I want to recreate.) Everyone will always be able to download them, but maybe some fans will toss a little money my way in support.

It reminds me that if you go searching for Codefreespirit on the Goog, you’ll see a lot of posts that make it sound like I developed rheumatoid arthritis and never worked again. A misinterpretation of something I said on social networks waaaaaay back when. I have gout. I do get the occasional flare up, but mostly in my feet. At the time, I had what seemed like a mystery attack of gout. I found out my grandfather on my mother’s side had rheumatoid arthritis. The doctor seeing me at the time decided to test me based on that history. The result was negative, but somehow the internet stuck with the rheumatoid arthritis story.

So truth be told: No, I don’t have rheumatoid. Just gout. I’m still drawing and creating. My biggest creative block has been debt from relationships. I’ve worked very hard to finally get to this point where I can put time into being creative and working on art again. I don’t have a studio so my medium is primarily pen and digital. I’m hoping to build from there. I’d love to get back into something like oils again, but my BIG goal is to produce narrative art. I don’t know why I don’t want to call them comics, but yeah, basically comics. Graphic novels. I seem to have a gift for visual storytelling. I think I’m better with motion pictures, but who knows, maybe animation is my next big thing.

Getting there requires money, so here I am again. At the base of why I’m here doing this. Kinda sucks to say that’s my survival goal. What can I do? Gotta feed myself. Speaking of, I originally used ChatGPT to make efficient meal plans for me. Sort of a personal sous chef or something. Eventually, I started playing a TTRPG with it, and in enlisting its help making time to put this site together, I’ve discovered it does crazy fun renders of my pen & ink illustrations. I find them so interesting, that I’m contemplating breaking my disclaimer about not selling any AI enhanced art. Maybe for a buck a piece or something. I’m not sure. It’d probably be like an alternative to my tip jar. I’m just kinda in love with the way it brings a whole different life to my art.

All for the future. Right now, it’s back to getting the overview of my site ready, and filling in the content. In the meantime, I’ll always be sending all my best vibes out there.

Status Update, Captain…

I thought the most pertinent question that everyone out there in internet land would want to know was, where am I at with the construction of the site? You know. Because the world is holding their breath waiting for what I’m hoping to produce. You are, right?! I’m not just talking to myself, right?

The truth is, the most pertinent question right now is why the hell am I doing this? What is my mission? For that, I don’t have the best answer. Right now, with as dismayed as I am with the state of what I can only hope will remain the American nation by the time anyone reads this, the why I am trying to make a website is to make a living being creative. Sell shit. Plain and simple. I need to supplement my income because I’ve taken a risk to pursue what seems to be, for lack of a better term, my soul’s purpose.

It occurred to me at the end of last year, that I am a notoriously hard working and efficient employee, but I spend so little time busting my ass for my own hopes and dreams. Originally, all I dreamt of was becoming a working filmmaker (hopefully director/producer), but that dream is fading faster and faster as I near 50. Now, I just want to pull in enough income from my artistic style to make time for the really big creative projects I want to do. When I realized, if I could put even five hours of work at the level I do for other businesses, that I might just be able to pull this off.

The biggest issue of all is that I’ve never been a beacon of confidence, and I’ve always assumed that no one wants my art, much less be willing to pay for it. That part of me won’t change overnight, but I’m finally believing I can do it. No, I must do it. Physically, I’m probably not going to be able to stay in the semi-arduous job I’m in. I’ll probably need proper health insurance someday soon, and I can’t afford it with the income I’ve been making. You know, despite having a degree and making others ‘proud’ of me. This change has been coming. I’m not sure yet how to navigate it. I’m a little off the map.

Which comes to the last part of the why. It’s not just the income to support myself. I truly do believe there’s some good in my work. As pretentious as I feel like I sound, I only need to look at the banner image on my About page to remind myself that my pretentiousness is tempered by a healthy dose of levity. I probably won’t change the world. My message might get missed altogether by most. Still… I believe there’s some chord in us all that my art resonates with. Building bridges between people. Overlaping worlds instead of ramming them into each other.

I truly believe there’s harmony within my work, if you are open to seeing it. Open to feeling it.

I haven’t been the biggest fan of myself pretty much my whole life. I’ve lost touch with a lot of the people in my life I still care about and am kinda ashamed to try and get it touch. I can’t really change the past, but I am starting to say some good things about me. One of them being that I am a good artist and good storyteller. I have vision. I’m able to do some things that not many others can do. I have a potential that I haven’t fully actualized. I’m kinda being my own cheerleader, and it’s weird. Very, very weird.

So that’s why I’m making this site. I hope it becomes bigger than just a way to support myself. As for the status update, things seem to be on track for a July grand opening. I don’t want to promise anything, but I’m optimistic. I hope the few of you looking at my site and whatever AI bots have read this to try and sell me advice have enjoyed watching it come together lately.