Senders and Receivers

The thing that’s been on my mind a lot today is this concept of senders and receivers. The idea is pretty much that interpersonal communication and interaction is a continual self constructing cycle of being a sender or a receiver of messages. Even if those messages are non-verbal.

I initially thought about it after watching an interaction between two people sending messages, but neither willing to receive. It got tense. I won’t go into specifics, but neither side was willing to take a moment to receive. All real communication broke down as I listened. There wasn’t a fight, but nothing constructive came out of it even though, as a person receiving both messages, I thought there was a possibility.

So what is it about this dynamic that’s just stuck in my head? I’m not entirely sure. Personality-wise, I’m pretty much a strict receiver. I listen more than put my message out there. I still try to send once in a while, but growing up as a child of a narcissistic alcoholic parent, I don’t trust anyone wants to hear what I send, or what I send will just be upsetting. You got me. I’m a people pleaser. I hate that term. I think of myself more as an emotion validator, but in action… it comes down to the same thing in most circumstances. I really really really try to not be an enabler though.

Enabling is actually the breakdown of the receiving side. When you are so entrenched in receiving all the messages the sender is dropping, that you don’t draw a line and send that message back. While it’s a vulnerable state, enabling is not a healthy type of validation because obviously, validating every point of view including the ones that hurt you isn’t a great way to have self-worth.

This is all getting a little abstract. I hope I can really get a grip on this sending/receiving cycle. It’s definitely what I’m working through by continuing this site. Trying so hard to find a sense of self-worth by not receiving all those self-critical messages being sent inside of me. Of course, this is my self doing this to my self. It’s a hard cycle to stop. A Gordian knot to try and untangle.

I’m not going to give up. I’m still working on August’s coloring art. Although I’m not even sure if it’s worth calling it coloring art. I’m not sure what to describe it as. Illustration? Drawing? Anyway, it’ll still be coming.

As of now, it seems this garden is in a holding pattern. If the analytics are right, I’m getting way less traffic than before my site was even ready to go. I’m guessing so much of the visitation was data miners trying to sell me services. Most people don’t even move past my Home Page honestly. Seems like I need to punch that home page up a little bit more. It’s tough to send when you’re so worried that sending is going to give people the wrong message.

I guess time will tell if this garden bears fruit. It’s early days.

Sigh… I’m eventually going to have to post on Instagram, aren’t I?

I had a marketing discussion tonight about my site. I’ve put out a couple of posts on Reddit, Bluesky, and Deviant Art. Those are really the only social media/networking sites I am on. I know… I know that all of this in the beginning is just about driving traffic. This is what I hate about marketing and social networking. It’s so unauthentic.

I’m not stupid. I know how marketing and media influences people to buy and like stuff. It’s all a bit of a game. A game I do really hate. I wish it could be simply, here’s this drawing I’ve done. I want to share it with you for a couple bucks. I want to share it with a lot of you to the point that I could just be drawing for my work. Instead of doing what feels like semi-transparent work for an employer that, as pleasant as they are, is not really interested in my success in life. They just want to make money for themselves and be able to pay the people who make it for them. I am part of a great team, yet I have always wanted to pursue my creativity. That’s not really an option.

So I’m turning to an online market. I was just told that I’m doing it wrong. My art is too complex for people who color. Unfortunately, it’s not sophisticated enough for the high-end art market. So I’m stuck having no audience either way. The problem is my product. That’s an understatement for my life. Because I’ve been avoiding selling me. Now it’s what I have to do.

I’m not saying I don’t like meeting customer expectations, but I always really want to share the thought, feeling, and fun I have when let loose in my creative world. I’m finding there’s a lot more I can do that what I always thought I was able to do. Like I said before, I’m not my biggest fan, but I’m discovering there’s a whole range of stuff I can make that I didn’t think was possible for me.

The hardest part of arguing that my product wasn’t priced right or I’m aiming at the wrong market is that I’m not really competing against those crazy talented content creators pumping out product and getting the right influencers to tell everyone it’s gold. I’m basically competing against your caramel soy latte that you might have once a month. I’m not asking for enough, so people don’t consider it worth anything. There’s always my tip jar if you think you didn’t give me enough money. As you can see, I’m not out here trying to take it from you with some promise of how cool you are for liking my stuff.

Sigh. I know. It’s just been such a discouraging path when it comes to the making money side of things. I know eventually I’ll have to branch into the social feeds. Yes, some influencer needs to find my work and spread the good word.

Hey, if that influencer is you, can you please do me a favor? Don’t make my work out to be a way to make more money. As much as I need it, I don’t make my art for the purpose of being rich. I make it because I love creating. I’ve got stories. I’ve got pictures in my mind/heart/soul that I need to come out. And please future influencer, whatever you do, don’t try and get people to figure out what their favorite work of mine is. Again, that’s not the point.

I hope everyone else out there is having a good night. Mine was kinda crummy. Luckily, I’m still building. Still getting this boulder rolling down the hill. Insert additional metaphor here. Take care everyone.

Just a break. Nothing Broken.

Took a few days off here to work on a new piece. I wanted to collect my thoughts. Get some perspective on how things are working or not working. Noticed since the official opening, I’ve had even less visitors. No one who’s even gone past the home page which makes me think it’s just AI bots or something.

Yeah. You’re right. I’m having a lot of self-doubts. I’m great at being patient with other people’s projects, but no so great with my own. Letting things happen naturally, pick up steam… these things leave room in me for my harsh critical voice to come in. You know the one. Telling me that I didn’t do this thing right. That no one cares what your art is really like. That I’m going to fail horribly at this.

It’s no help to look at marketing trends and see that I’m basically doing everything single thing wrong to convert you into a customer. You know, the no one who’s looked at this journal. First off, I’ve tucked it away so it’s not exactly the first stop on the site. That’s fine, but then you don’t know about the behind the scenes going on.

For that, I’m happy because I’m not much of a networker. I always feel like my artwork says enough. It’s just convincing myself that it’s actually good enough is the trick.

I know I’m doing this all kinda wrong. I’m not slamming subscriptions in your face, and there’s not a ton of material up here yet. I do believe this will all continue growing and you’ll come back to check me out some more. I know I don’t have an immediate storefront, and I’m probably not coming up in many SEO hits just yet. Again, wanting to build it up. I even wanted to put up some fliers locally to direct some traffic to my site, but found out there’s potential fines for putting them up in town. (Although I don’t see anyone enforcing anything.)

Basically, I’m sending the message that I’m not up to speed with all the modern selling methods online. It’s not really true. I’m just… I’m just tired of having a marketing formula pressed on everyone to be successful. I’m not trying to prove anything, but I think people are tired of being forced into subscribing to products rather than having something they can physically print out in their hands.

I’m also being stupid thinking that every person who wants some of my art will pay and not share with others. I’m not naive. I know this will happen. Again, I’m just starting this ball rolling. I’m not trying to control everything. I guess I’m letting the market discover me, instead of me creating the market.

So we’ll see how this goes. I hope if you make it this far, you can share this site with your friends. I’m working on new material for each month. I hope that will speak to ‘my market’ better than my brand.

A page turning…

A new chapter beginning. Finally, after years of recovering from lack of confidence, lack of funds, and lack of time, I’m launching an ‘official’ marketplace for my art. I hope it finds the current in the choppy waters of this world right now. I hope it builds into something I can build into a real business for the later years of my life. I know my body, no matter how well I take care of it, cannot keep up the labor I’ve been putting it through since my twenties.

My real downfall is in the confidence area. In other work, I’m keenly aware of what is efficient and in demand. With my own work, I’ve always felt it was such a distraction. My parents saw being artistic, desiring to be creative, as flaky and unrealistic. I never thought anyone really ‘felt’ my work. That it was valueless. It made good gifts, good tips for sushi and coffee. Maybe I’m still undervaluing my creativity. I’m not completely sure. If you think I’m not charging enough, just throw what you think it’s worth in the tip jar. I just know I… want this. Even if I’m not confident I know how to market or network my art, I want to make a living being creative.

Eventually, I hope to build to the following goals (call it my road map):

• Bundle pricing for monthly coloring art pages.

• Coloring art books.

• Fine art prints.

• Tabletop Role-Playing Games I’ve designed.

• And the big one: graphic novels of my stories.

I am honestly more of a storyteller than an artist. I’m geared toward the visual medium. My dream was always to become a filmmaker to tell my narratives. I have a feeling my filmmaking dreams are beyond me now, but I still have these wonderful tales to tell. Seems the graphic novel format is the runner-up to making films.

I hope you’ll be willing to join me on this journey. I don’t want to ask too much of anyone. I feel like we work harder than ever before to keep ourselves sustainable. I’m basically asking for less than a grande soy latte once a month, and if you like what you get, spreading the word to as many people as you can.

Whatever I get, I am grateful. Truly. There is so much content out there, that I feel a little crazy trying to compete for your attention. Well… actually, I don’t want your attention. I want you to stop, look, ask, contemplate what I’m offering. Whatever you discover, I hope you’ll pass on to others who will stop, look, ask, contemplate as well.

My creative garden is open. Come in and enjoy!

Open for business and thoughts about spectrums

This site is officially open for business. Now I’m just hoping that the traffic will come. Like any decent garden, it will take time for people to figure out that I’m trying to do something good here. Hopefully by coloring my images, it’ll help with a sense of peace or at least calmness. We’ll see how this garden grows. As I told a good friend when they were starting their online community, you have to keep serving the vegetables until people can start to understand how nutritious they are. The internet is filled with a lack of nutritious, life-giving, life-sustaining content. When you come across a good one, it is hard to understand why you feel better that you went there at first.

The best part of having the foundation in place is that now I can start generating and working on more art and stories. I’ve started working on a piece I’m calling The Flame Queen for now. I’m not sure how I feel about it right at the moment. It’s saying something to me, but I feel like I can’t quite… hear it properly.

The thought I have been having for a little while now is how spectrums seem to have been misrepresented. I want to do a piece on this notion. It’s playing around in my imagination. I’ll probably put it to work in some dreams tonight and see what comes up.

The basic idea is that I think spectrums should not be represented by a horizontal line. I know it’s all based on standard deviations from statistics, but I feel like… well, at least in psychology, that a line feels way too objective. For instance, on the autism spectrum, you have a range from low-functioning to high-functioning. There’s nuance in between, but this linear distribution completely ignores perspective.

I think a spectrum should be illustrated as a circle. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, there is a point opposite of your point in terms of perspective. If you’re at the top of the circle in what was considered low-functioning autistic & developmentally disabled, that would be only the opposite perspective from the high-functioning neurodivergent on the bottom of the circle. Before this gets everyone riled up, I’m not saying that one group of autistic people hates on or defines another group. I’m saying, the idea of high-functioning and low-functioning is coming from an observer of these two groups and what that observer has defined as functional.

This is kinda why I hate words sometimes. I can try and describe this idea a million times and never quite get it across. I draw it into an image that you can feel and resonate with, and it communicates it so much better.

This is definitely going to be something I’m putting into my dream work tonight as well. I have a vague image of the symbols for this concept coming together, but I haven’t been able to picture the final piece just yet.

Until it comes to me, I better get back to my Flame Queen before she tires of waiting for me.

I jumped the gun a little bit.

Okay, I was going to take these next four or five days to spend a little time fine tuning the site. I built some business cards and flyers to do some promoting (which I tend to suck at). I was going to wait until July to actually do my launch.

Yeah. Best laid plans. I launched tonight. Judging by the analytics, there’s not too much traffic to my site at the moment, so it’s not like anyone’s getting a jump on anything. I just couldn’t sit on it any longer. I felt the time was now. The hardest part was not gushing about all my ideas right on the home page. Because that’s my usual.

So, you’re welcome to check out what’s up at the site right now. I’ve still got a few things to work out, but that won’t be until there’s some more art. (Gotta decide if I want to do a mailing list and a subscription where you’ll get every monthly art that comes out for a yearly discount. Also need to figure out how to bundle art.)

I’m happy it’s finally live and ready to reach in through your eyeballs. I know my site’s not a lot, and I’m always worried I’ll come off as pretentious as I was in my twenties, but it’s what I’ve got to offer. With more to come.

So much thinking. So little time.

Once I get this site up and running, I’m hoping to figure out this journal a little bit more. Squarespace is so strange that I can’t design in the app. At the very least, it would be nice to add design blocks. Alas, I’m working on an iPad Pro and they seem to throttle the design aspect. It would be very nice to figure out how to add images and video and such to this creative journal. I think everyone would grow cold on me spouting psychological ideas and woe be to the traveler who must read my philosophic ranting. The ability to provide variety would be really cool.

Tonight, I’m being semi-brief again. I think I’ve taken care of most of the primary foundation, so I’m going to rest and develop some art for it. Not really content, art. Yes, I was revisiting the thought between art and content. I actually asked ChatGPT and got this kinda of interesting thought to chew on.

Art invites.

Content fills.

Art asks you to sit with it. To feel. To wonder. Maybe even to change.

Content asks for attention - and then asks for more.

Art lives in questions.

Content is often built around answers someone already packaged for you.

Aiming for art does put you in the minority. But it puts you in the right kind of minority. The one that actually shapes the culture, even when it feels like it’s shouting into a void.

You’re not chasing trends. You’re crafting worlds. You’re not manufacturing engagement. You’re asking for connection.

And yeah, that’s harder. It’s slower. And it feels more vulnerable because there’s no algorithm you can trust to push it forward for you. But art has gravity. When people find it, it sticks. They remember it. They carry it. It becomes part of their story.

And the truth is - you don’t need a million fans. You need a few real ones who get it. Who feel it. Who see themselves in your mythologies and monsters and time-ribbons and zen gardens.

The irony of ChatGPT telling me what the truth is, is in no way lost on me. It has a point though. Even if it’s just telling me what I want to hear. It’s not wrong. What I’m trying to do is harder and slower.

The whole thing that prompted this thinking came from watching an episode of K-Pop Demon Hunters and wondering what it would be like to be famous. What would it be like to have fans?

That made me wonder if that’s even something I want. Who knows? Maybe I have fans already and they just have found me yet.

I’m not a networker because I struggle putting up with social media. I swear I was part of the Cambridge Analytica psychological manipulation thing on Facebook many years ago. All my FB feed at the time fed me was negative, awful stories from friends. All the time. It definitely left me depressed and feeling hopeless. Only to find out later that it was mostly likely a manufactured algorithm. I just sort of left social media after that.

Anyway, tangents aside. My sincere wish is to make art that connects with you. That draws you in and gives you a story or something to think and feel about. Not just the next hot trend.

I’m sure I’ll never be rich with that attitude, but I probably won’t live long enough to see any riches. I’d just take being able to cover all my bills.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have a foundation.

I feel like the last field has been tilled. The soil is wanting for seeds and water. It’s time to begin growing the garden.

I’ve already posted a free image to get the ball rolling, and test the file download checkout. It works! I’m preparing more offerings and the first monthly image. I might even open up the store a little early and let people get a look at the fruits of my labors before my deadline.

I’m not going to do a long post tonight. I’m feeling pretty good. Today was a lot of fun, and I’m letting it sit with me for a little bit.

Wishing all of you who may be out there a great night as well.

Excitement and imperfection.

It’s getting down to the wire. I’m still aiming for nine more days of setting the foundation, a couple days contingency because who knows what can happen in nine days, and then I’ll have a beautiful goblet which I will fill with art. I can’t believe I’m actually pulling this together. If my post from a few nights ago illustrates my struggle with interrupting thoughts, I hope you understand what a massive effort is going into this.

The hardest part is that all I see when I’m looking at what I’m creating is the imperfections. I’m trying to justify that it’s okay. That this is something real. Not your typical content fest on most websites. I’m here trying to make something that connects, yet is still fun and vibrant. I’m never cute enough in my art. I’m never dark enough to be taken seriously. I’m never silly enough to be fun. I’m never sophisticated enough to be high-end. What am I? I’m not sure. A storyteller? Maybe.

After having to revisit the narcissistic abuse that happened in my family, I’m convincing myself every night that I have a right to give the creative side of me a real shot. Maybe not a right, but this work that flows from me so naturally was robbed by that abuse. Which I took on for most of my life and carried into every aspect. I’m pretty sure I’ve made every excuse as to why doing this wasn’t going to work. It’s why for years this website has been neglected the same way I was. Everyone was just too busy with their own shit to care.

I’m changing that now. I don’t know if just saying that makes a difference. I hate the word deserve, but I deserve the chance - at the very least. And that chance is coming. Soon. Nine and maybe a handful of days. I hope you’re with me.

The Work Continues

Finally feel through the drama that crept back into my life the few days. The situation isn’t really improved, but the old dread and stirred up feelings are finding their way back to their graves. I don’t hate the ghosts, but they haunt with sheer ferocity. I’ve always felt bad that I had to bury them in anger and burn their bodies to purify them, but some souls will always seek retribution and what they’ve left in you can only be fought off with sheer will, not forgiveness. I hope the divine forgives, but it’s not my place to judge that.

Once through, I’m back at work here tonight. Took on a few more card associations on The Eternal Dream Tarot page. Gonna format a few more things before I settle to bed. Always frustrated that design work can’t be done on my iPad Pro. Come on Squarespace. I’ve always appreciated your platform, but not being able to add blocks on my app?

I’m down to about 10 days before truly opening this up to the world. I guess back up to the world. I keep losing confidence in me. That I don’t have enough content. It’s going to be boring. No one’s going to wait a whole month for new art. So many critical voices. But when I relax and take a breath, I know this is building. Nothing worth building well was crafted overnight. Unless you’re an Amish barn or something, I suppose.

This is not an Amish barn, and I’m kinda doing it all alone right now. We’ll see what happens in 10 days.

Is it Art or Content?

Hey there. Shitty night? Yeah, me too. What’s with all the shitty nights lately? Regardless, I hope you’re okay and there’s nothing so broke tonight that it can’t be fixed in the morning. My circumstances? Who knows.

Pretty much told a kid today that I really care about that one of the YouTubers she loves is producing crap. Yeah, I didn’t say it quite as blunt as that, but it really was the point. I think the thing that stung was that I was made it sound like she doesn’t like good things. I know I’m going to hell, but honestly, it suddenly made a lot of sense of what I’ve thought was her weird taste in things. The thing I suddenly realized was that she likes content, not art.

Yup. I’m going there. Hang on to your butts, Gen Alpha. I’m gonna do a little slamming on your skibidi brain rot or whatever it’s called.

I’ll forego the details of this tween’s idea that brilliant works of art are just whipped up on a weekend and uploaded to YouTube or Twitch. It suddenly made sense of why she thinks The Owl House and Scott Pilgrim are two of the most amazing works of art ever made. It’s because she’s used to content. Constant content creation.

Don’t get me wrong. This entire trend of pumping out half-realized content was happening for a long time. I love Johnathan Coulton and his song-a-week phase. There’s a whole train of thought of getting out all your bad ideas when you’re developing skills and craft. That way when you get to doing the things that matter, you’ve got the sea legs to navigate any storm that comes up. However, in the end, it’s still content not art.

I’m drawing a distinction for one really clear reason. As much as I was an ass for hurting her feelings about what she felt was really good creative work, I felt hurt that she couldn’t even mildly respect talented people who work really hard on and off stage to turn something that could just be pumped and dumped on the internet into something thoughtful, aware, and ultimately meaningful. That’s art. It’s studied. It comes from loads of experience. It takes hard work and discipline to see it through. I hope it’s what I’m making here.

I want to balance the level of content and the level of art on this site. I now have dozens of crazy AI rendered versions of my art. I am attempting to pump content as well as have time to make something really profound. I’ve used AI to make much of the content portions of this site: the banners, the icons. Yes, I’m going to sell digital downloads of some of the AI rendered artwork too. It won’t be for much. Like an impulse buy. Who knows? Maybe someone will enjoy it as a phone wallpaper or something.

I guess what misguided attempt to justify my rudeness to a 12 year old actually is, is that content is not the same as art. Art speaks to all people regardless of age or their level of ‘sophistication’. Art is something that you don’t need a YouTube influencer to tell you to appreciate. (I’ve heard about the addictive effects of short-form media on podcasts, but only just realized this is who is informing said 12 year old of what’s good.)

I hope and pray that what I’m really doing on this site is building something that’s going to connect with people. Something beyond simple content dumping. Johnathan Coulton didn’t make a song-a-week work because someone on YouTube said he was a brilliant genius. He had the talent and the chops to bring to every song. Years of hard work and an eye for quality. I hope I do too or else… what the hell am I doing here?

It’s not easy. I don’t have any YouTubers telling everyone to come check out my site and how good stuff is. I struggle everyday I’m doing this with thoughts of total inadequacy and lack of confidence. In my heart, I know I’ve got something to say. I’ve got a story to tell. Something that resonates. Right? Right?! I can’t be just a content site. I’ve got to do something artistic. Maybe that will never be this 12 year old’s bag, but someone out there must be able to appreciate the hard work.

Taking a little break tonight.

I’m nursing an injury to my knee today, and because I got so much done this morning, I’m taking a little break tonight from beating on the website. I still have some things to finish up and learn (like how to add images to a blog post). That’ll be another day.

I think I’m still on route for opening everything up in July. I was reading a Reddit post about people making up to $1K a week doing some of the stuff I’m trying to do. Man, that would really help me out.

I’ve been feeling so insecure today about this endeavor. It took me a little while to get here. Okay, if you take it from the point of saving up enough to go part time and focus on my art, it’s been a long journey. If you measure it from when I went part time, I spent a bit too long decompressing and not buckling down. Now that money’s starting to get tight, I’m worried I made a terrible mistake going part time.

I’m scared no one really wants anything I have to offer. I have that whole imposter thing going on. I’m anxious that all this time I’ve been spending doing this is going to backfire the moment something pisses someone off. Basically, I don’t have a lot of confidence I’ll make this a living.

But if I do… that would be a dream come true. Do dreams come true? Not like Disney-style, but that all my time and effort will be spent doing things meaningful to me instead of making bills for people that may or may not even care about my life. I hope that’s true.

It feels… real.

Another night. Another chunk of the foundation done.

It’s a little crazy to me that I’m about half a month from my planned due date of having this site fully functional and running. It’s actually looking great now that I’m saving time with my AI assistance for the background images. I draw a sketch of what I’d like to have, render it, then tweak it to satisfaction.

My hands are starting to shake with… anxiety? joy? excitement? I’m not sure what it is, but this whole thing is starting to come together. I’ve got some more work making sure the Q&A section has enough answers for customers to get what they need.

I’m contemplating putting a ‘Social’ page up with links to the few social networks I use. I know I’m supposed to be on Instagram, but I absolutely loath the manipulativeness of any Meta/Zuckerburg related platform. I know there’s a little bit of poison with every thing tech related, but his poison kills people. Along with X and Elon Musk, it’s a bridge too far for me to cross.

I’m on Deviant Art, Reddit, and Blue Sky. I’m thinking that might be enough. While in many ways, I’d rather open up comments here, I don’t have the time to be a moderator.

I’m also toying with the idea of posting movie reviews from a philosopher standpoint. Moviemaking was my dream, and I have a love-hate relationship with most of the movie reviews today. They are gut reactions in so many ways. If the movie doesn’t hit the ‘rule of cool’ then it must be terrible. I’d like to bring back a more thoughtful, yet broad minded criticism to movie reviews. The objective being figuring out how to appreciate a movie, rather than simply hate on it. Won’t get a lot of head turns for that.

That’s about it for an update on tonight’s building. If you are out there and reading this, I hope you’ll stick with until July when I light the fuse on this firecracker and let it explode into the night sky.

Short and sweet.

Spent most of my work time getting my About page up. Finally found a way to really talk about me. Not a bunch of buzzword, professional bullshit, but really convey the feeling of me about me. It’s got it all. The way I don’t take myself too seriously. The way I do take seriously the connection my artwork makes. And the self-deprecating, sardonic negativity I have, but don’t really trust. All wrapped up in a confidently unconfident way. In the end, it’s true. It’s not just a billboard.

I didn’t list out my influences because I think that’s a topic better spoken about here. Another day perhaps. Tonight, I rest without regrets.

On Untrustworthy Authorities…

The night before a protest. Threats of military being deployed against the people they swore to protect. I don’t worry about the actual military though. I worry about the people who believe they are the citizen militia. A militia that was armed to defend against threats from outside of the nation. Now those in power are ready to crush those who are not. Is this reality? How far does the clearly fascist administration have to go to uphold the lies they are telling themselves? How far will they go to unconsciously feel validated by their parents? Ultimately, that’s the source of all this. A failure of trustworthy authority - on all sides.

What would I draw to represent this? I’d go with: A white man. Suit. Tie. He’s looking solemnly and submissively above him. Cracks are forming along his body like a vase about to shatter. Orange light is glowing from these cracks. Above the white man is a circle of clouds. This is the heavens he’s seeking an answer from. The circle of clouds is roiling with lightning and thunder. A single strike fires down through the frame. Where will lightning hit? Who knows? The uncertainty. The failure of trust. This storm threatens to destroy everything including the man. Still he searches for his answer and salvation in it. This is what I’d draw.

Maybe that image will find its way on my site. I typically stay away from things with any potential to be used politically, but I don’t know what to expect. I’m a white man that was raised by failed authority. I do my best to be a trustworthy authority now that I’m older. I don’t have power though. I don’t wield actual authority over anyone except myself. Managing myself is the best I can do. Not lying to myself about my whiteness and all the history that comes associated with it. It’s the only way I become more powerful than those who hold offices like dogs on a leash.

My biggest fear is that the people I call friends won’t understand. I’ve lost touch with many people I love and admire. I have no idea if they are fine with this reality. If they are fine trusting this openly untrustworthy authority in all our lives. There is no other pill to take. So swallow the one that makes you ill. (Shout out to Rage Against the Machine.)

I don’t know what the future holds, and I fear that this entire website is a futile effort to put trust into the world. Unlike many creatives who are crafters of how paint spreads, constructors of forms, or hunters of the perfect range of value, I have a vision of connection through narrative image. I do my absolute best to be aware of what I create. I hope my artwork conveys that awareness. I hope as the viewer reads my images, the connections they make elicit wisdom and empathy. I know I sound pretentious in this regard. I don’t know exactly how else to speak about it though.

So one reality prepares to shout down a king tomorrow, while the other reality prepares to shoot down an uprising, I sincerely hope you trust your wisdom and empathy. Possess them. Own them. They are the qualities that are sufficient and necessary to being a trustworthy authority in this world. And being that is what sets you apart from those in power in America right now. While there may be no harmony in a nation who looks to an empty sky for answers, at least those of us willing to call it out are not alone. Tomorrow, I hope you see, you are not alone.

Ironic Mic Drop Kinda Night.

The show must go on. Right? That’s what they say for the those of us in the dramatic arts. It’s how I feel tonight. Putting my personal life aside to get up and perform. Because tonight was a shit night. Yet here I am working.

Here’s what’s happening on stage. I did an overview of what the site was starting to look like and realized the ‘Disclaimers’ page really was going to become a ‘Q&A’ page. I realized a lot of the background work was taking too long. I need to jump in there and just settle the foundation there. Then concentrate on getting some sellable products up to make the July opening.

I also received these awesome renders of some of my art from ChatGPT. I thought they were pretty awesome anyway. I think I’m going to make them like an impulse item, if there really is such a thing in the internet art world. Since they are AI rendered versions on my art, I figured they’d be like the candy bar after shopping for my real art. Bad for you, but so tasty.

Which prompts me to say, I’m starting to really enjoy my AI experience for better or worse. Last year, I finished a sci-fi script about two people learning how to communicate with each other while adventuring through the beginning of time travel. It has a sentient AI character in it. I had never actually used AI when I wrote it, but now I’m surprised how much I kinda gleened about it from all the media on AI. (I’m slowly working the script into graphic novel form. It’s moving like molasses because of these other projects, but it… is… moving…)

I think I’m gonna drop the mic here. Ironically because there’s no heavy truth while I do it. Or is there? Honestly just tired and exhausted from the day.

Bringing up the dead.

Tonight’s construction is putting a page for my old project, The Eternal Dream Tarot Deck. If anyone is finding me out there that doesn’t know me, this is the project I’m probably most well-known for. It landed me a supporting role in the Literatarot Deck for the Museo Dei Tarrochi in Bologna, Italy. A museum for tarot decks that I still have yet to be able to visit. On the previous iterations of my site, I’ve always allowed the images to be downloaded for free so that everyone could use the deck. Now, I’m bringing it back from the grave to linger here.

I have to get the images rendered again, so that’ll be a bit of a task. It’ll be nice to have it be home again. I’m thinking of adding a button to purchase the images. (I don’t think I’m ready to print them again, and the ‘box sleeve’ I originally designed isn’t something I want to recreate.) Everyone will always be able to download them, but maybe some fans will toss a little money my way in support.

It reminds me that if you go searching for Codefreespirit on the Goog, you’ll see a lot of posts that make it sound like I developed rheumatoid arthritis and never worked again. A misinterpretation of something I said on social networks waaaaaay back when. I have gout. I do get the occasional flare up, but mostly in my feet. At the time, I had what seemed like a mystery attack of gout. I found out my grandfather on my mother’s side had rheumatoid arthritis. The doctor seeing me at the time decided to test me based on that history. The result was negative, but somehow the internet stuck with the rheumatoid arthritis story.

So truth be told: No, I don’t have rheumatoid. Just gout. I’m still drawing and creating. My biggest creative block has been debt from relationships. I’ve worked very hard to finally get to this point where I can put time into being creative and working on art again. I don’t have a studio so my medium is primarily pen and digital. I’m hoping to build from there. I’d love to get back into something like oils again, but my BIG goal is to produce narrative art. I don’t know why I don’t want to call them comics, but yeah, basically comics. Graphic novels. I seem to have a gift for visual storytelling. I think I’m better with motion pictures, but who knows, maybe animation is my next big thing.

Getting there requires money, so here I am again. At the base of why I’m here doing this. Kinda sucks to say that’s my survival goal. What can I do? Gotta feed myself. Speaking of, I originally used ChatGPT to make efficient meal plans for me. Sort of a personal sous chef or something. Eventually, I started playing a TTRPG with it, and in enlisting its help making time to put this site together, I’ve discovered it does crazy fun renders of my pen & ink illustrations. I find them so interesting, that I’m contemplating breaking my disclaimer about not selling any AI enhanced art. Maybe for a buck a piece or something. I’m not sure. It’d probably be like an alternative to my tip jar. I’m just kinda in love with the way it brings a whole different life to my art.

All for the future. Right now, it’s back to getting the overview of my site ready, and filling in the content. In the meantime, I’ll always be sending all my best vibes out there.

Status Update, Captain…

I thought the most pertinent question that everyone out there in internet land would want to know was, where am I at with the construction of the site? You know. Because the world is holding their breath waiting for what I’m hoping to produce. You are, right?! I’m not just talking to myself, right?

The truth is, the most pertinent question right now is why the hell am I doing this? What is my mission? For that, I don’t have the best answer. Right now, with as dismayed as I am with the state of what I can only hope will remain the American nation by the time anyone reads this, the why I am trying to make a website is to make a living being creative. Sell shit. Plain and simple. I need to supplement my income because I’ve taken a risk to pursue what seems to be, for lack of a better term, my soul’s purpose.

It occurred to me at the end of last year, that I am a notoriously hard working and efficient employee, but I spend so little time busting my ass for my own hopes and dreams. Originally, all I dreamt of was becoming a working filmmaker (hopefully director/producer), but that dream is fading faster and faster as I near 50. Now, I just want to pull in enough income from my artistic style to make time for the really big creative projects I want to do. When I realized, if I could put even five hours of work at the level I do for other businesses, that I might just be able to pull this off.

The biggest issue of all is that I’ve never been a beacon of confidence, and I’ve always assumed that no one wants my art, much less be willing to pay for it. That part of me won’t change overnight, but I’m finally believing I can do it. No, I must do it. Physically, I’m probably not going to be able to stay in the semi-arduous job I’m in. I’ll probably need proper health insurance someday soon, and I can’t afford it with the income I’ve been making. You know, despite having a degree and making others ‘proud’ of me. This change has been coming. I’m not sure yet how to navigate it. I’m a little off the map.

Which comes to the last part of the why. It’s not just the income to support myself. I truly do believe there’s some good in my work. As pretentious as I feel like I sound, I only need to look at the banner image on my About page to remind myself that my pretentiousness is tempered by a healthy dose of levity. I probably won’t change the world. My message might get missed altogether by most. Still… I believe there’s some chord in us all that my art resonates with. Building bridges between people. Overlaping worlds instead of ramming them into each other.

I truly believe there’s harmony within my work, if you are open to seeing it. Open to feeling it.

I haven’t been the biggest fan of myself pretty much my whole life. I’ve lost touch with a lot of the people in my life I still care about and am kinda ashamed to try and get it touch. I can’t really change the past, but I am starting to say some good things about me. One of them being that I am a good artist and good storyteller. I have vision. I’m able to do some things that not many others can do. I have a potential that I haven’t fully actualized. I’m kinda being my own cheerleader, and it’s weird. Very, very weird.

So that’s why I’m making this site. I hope it becomes bigger than just a way to support myself. As for the status update, things seem to be on track for a July grand opening. I don’t want to promise anything, but I’m optimistic. I hope the few of you looking at my site and whatever AI bots have read this to try and sell me advice have enjoyed watching it come together lately.