Excitement and imperfection.

It’s getting down to the wire. I’m still aiming for nine more days of setting the foundation, a couple days contingency because who knows what can happen in nine days, and then I’ll have a beautiful goblet which I will fill with art. I can’t believe I’m actually pulling this together. If my post from a few nights ago illustrates my struggle with interrupting thoughts, I hope you understand what a massive effort is going into this.

The hardest part is that all I see when I’m looking at what I’m creating is the imperfections. I’m trying to justify that it’s okay. That this is something real. Not your typical content fest on most websites. I’m here trying to make something that connects, yet is still fun and vibrant. I’m never cute enough in my art. I’m never dark enough to be taken seriously. I’m never silly enough to be fun. I’m never sophisticated enough to be high-end. What am I? I’m not sure. A storyteller? Maybe.

After having to revisit the narcissistic abuse that happened in my family, I’m convincing myself every night that I have a right to give the creative side of me a real shot. Maybe not a right, but this work that flows from me so naturally was robbed by that abuse. Which I took on for most of my life and carried into every aspect. I’m pretty sure I’ve made every excuse as to why doing this wasn’t going to work. It’s why for years this website has been neglected the same way I was. Everyone was just too busy with their own shit to care.

I’m changing that now. I don’t know if just saying that makes a difference. I hate the word deserve, but I deserve the chance - at the very least. And that chance is coming. Soon. Nine and maybe a handful of days. I hope you’re with me.