Senders and Receivers

The thing that’s been on my mind a lot today is this concept of senders and receivers. The idea is pretty much that interpersonal communication and interaction is a continual self constructing cycle of being a sender or a receiver of messages. Even if those messages are non-verbal.

I initially thought about it after watching an interaction between two people sending messages, but neither willing to receive. It got tense. I won’t go into specifics, but neither side was willing to take a moment to receive. All real communication broke down as I listened. There wasn’t a fight, but nothing constructive came out of it even though, as a person receiving both messages, I thought there was a possibility.

So what is it about this dynamic that’s just stuck in my head? I’m not entirely sure. Personality-wise, I’m pretty much a strict receiver. I listen more than put my message out there. I still try to send once in a while, but growing up as a child of a narcissistic alcoholic parent, I don’t trust anyone wants to hear what I send, or what I send will just be upsetting. You got me. I’m a people pleaser. I hate that term. I think of myself more as an emotion validator, but in action… it comes down to the same thing in most circumstances. I really really really try to not be an enabler though.

Enabling is actually the breakdown of the receiving side. When you are so entrenched in receiving all the messages the sender is dropping, that you don’t draw a line and send that message back. While it’s a vulnerable state, enabling is not a healthy type of validation because obviously, validating every point of view including the ones that hurt you isn’t a great way to have self-worth.

This is all getting a little abstract. I hope I can really get a grip on this sending/receiving cycle. It’s definitely what I’m working through by continuing this site. Trying so hard to find a sense of self-worth by not receiving all those self-critical messages being sent inside of me. Of course, this is my self doing this to my self. It’s a hard cycle to stop. A Gordian knot to try and untangle.

I’m not going to give up. I’m still working on August’s coloring art. Although I’m not even sure if it’s worth calling it coloring art. I’m not sure what to describe it as. Illustration? Drawing? Anyway, it’ll still be coming.

As of now, it seems this garden is in a holding pattern. If the analytics are right, I’m getting way less traffic than before my site was even ready to go. I’m guessing so much of the visitation was data miners trying to sell me services. Most people don’t even move past my Home Page honestly. Seems like I need to punch that home page up a little bit more. It’s tough to send when you’re so worried that sending is going to give people the wrong message.

I guess time will tell if this garden bears fruit. It’s early days.