Left the door open, didn’t I?

Must have been how you got in. I wasn’t paying attention and making sure everything was locked up nice and tight. It’s been so long. I didn’t think you’d still be looking for me at all. I got lazy.

What do you mean, why am I not happy to see you? I mean, don’t you remember the last time we really sat and argued. For days. It felt like it was for days! I don’t want to yell. I’m yelling because you are. You’ve been here all of what like a day, and we’re already bitching at each other. Wait? It hasn’t been longer than that? What do you mean you’ve been circling the house. Watching me. Why? Why now? I felt so close to getting away from you.

How did you know I’d leave the door open eventually? Mmmmm, I see. Yeah, it’s true. You know me too well. It wouldn’t be worth doing if it wasn’t a risk. I’m so tired of hiding from you. I’m so tired of fighting every, single, goddamn, day. If you think you deserve some peace, what do I deserve? Huh? Why am I always the bad guy? So I’m not the bad guy, but I’m an asshole if I call you an abusive, toxic residue that violates anything I want for myself? So yeah, see, I am the bad guy. You just said it. You just said it! You just said I don’t treat you with respect. That I don’t treat you like the other people in my life. Arrrgh. I don’t get it! I don’t… I can’t keep going in circles with you. Get out!

That’s right. I don’t want you here anymore. I don’t have to please you. I don’t have make you secure. I don’t have to make you proud or hold you when you feel bad or take care of everything. I can’t spend the last part of my life waiting for my opportunity to do something for me. I’ve waited so long. All I’ve wanted is to hear you say you truly see me, but all that’s there is an emptiness. No.

No. It’s not me. It’s not my emptiness. It’s you. Step back. I’m not a little kid anymore. I can actually take care of myself. Oh my God! Back the fuck off! Really? So now I’m hurting you. I’m the dangerous one; the one threatening you? This is insane. I can’t tell what… what I’m even feeling. You come in here uninvited and start reminding me I’m some piece of shit. You don’t think I don’t know that?! I mean, I’ve been failing my whole damn life to manifest what should be coming naturally.

Even you say I have some sort of gift. No, no, what was it? Talent. I have amazing talent. Oh yes, you did. Yes. You did. Did I suddenly lose it because I talked back to you? Shit. How… how did you even find me? I’ve been trying to stay out of the spotlight. I’ve done everything I could to protect you from people talking shit about you. Yes. I did. I did. I did!!! I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY!!!!

Jesus, just go. No. This is my place now, not yours. Go. I don’t care if you’re friends with my girlfriend’s family. I need you to go. GO!!! I wouldn’t yell if I felt like you even listened to me. Fine. Yeah. I’m a dick. I’m a lying dick. Yup. I said I wasn’t the dangerous one, but… You’re right. I’m the one that took everything from you. Please. Just tell me a little more about how shitty I am. Yeah. Uh-huh. You’re right. What else do you want? You’re fucking right. Okay, so now I’m just telling you what you want to hear. Great.

Please just go. Oh sure, I’ve left all the other times, but this is my space now. No. No. You don’t get to come in and tell me what to do anymore. No, I’m not going to hurt you. You always say I say that. Because I don’t know what else to say, you… insane piece of shit. Oh my God. You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I said that. No. You’re not a piece of shit. Yes. No. No, I haven’t changed my mind. You still need to get out.

Let me shut the door. Stop. I swear I’ll… shut it with your hand in it. Let go of the door. No. Let go of the door. Nooooo! Let. Go. Of. The. Door! I’m going to count to three, and I slam it shut. You’re right. I don’t care. I don’t care. I can’t… do it anymore. Yes. You’re right. I’m not me anymore. I’m not like I was at all when we were together. I can’t do this thing I need to do with you here. We don’t belong together anymore. You don’t care, and I am slamming the door in three. Two. One. Fuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkk! JUST LET GO!!!

No, no, no. I didn’t just do that. Stop screaming, please, please, please. Stop yelling. I’m covering my ears. I can’t hear you. I can’t hear you. I can’t… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I did my absolute best that I could for you. I gave you everything I had. I can’t. I can’t take your shame away. I can’t take your pain away. I’m so sorry that I can’t. Because you know I would. Please… please just go away and leave me in quiet.

Please…